I say what I’m about to say not because I think I’m some kind of expert. And not even because I’ve watched my parents beautiful marriage – and they still dance in the kitchen. I say this because I’m reflecting back what 9 out of 10 young couples have told me and I can’t sit back and not share with you what I know.
[Note – if you’ve been to my house and you recognize these words, rest assured, I’m not secretly posting just to you. This is a serious topic that I’ve heard from too many couples to count.]
Here’s how it goes. Young couple gets married – all looks rosy. Baby is born – all looks cute. A month later the baby is settling down into a feeding pattern. Four months later the couple begins to get the hang of the schedule. A year later – sometimes almost two years later , the parents come up for air desperate and exhausted.
When I ask “How are things going?” One or the other will say “It’s crazy, he sleeps in our bed,we’re not getting any sleep. This little guy keeps us up all night!” Or “She still sleeps in our room and we can’t get her out. We know we should, but she cries too much!”
There is plenty of literature and differing opinions on this topic. My point is not to enter into debate. I only want to share this Torah truth with you.
A family is built by putting the marriage first.
A happy family is built by putting the marriage first
When the child is an infant, taking care of him is all consuming. Both parents are exhausted and Dad understands that his wife is working round the clock taking care of the baby. The baby needs to eat every few hours and is probably sleeping with his mother. Mom is most likely happy not to have to get out of bed to feed him. And that’s great. The baby is warm and snuggly, Mom gets to stay in bed and Dad is okay with it.
Fast forward a little. Ideally, after a few months , the baby would transition into their own bed. This will take getting used to for the baby and sometimes it may mean that the baby needs to cry it out for a few nights. The result is that life’s balance is restored, baby gets the sleep she needs and Mom and Dad have their privacy back.
When the baby stays in their bed, here’s what happens:
1. The baby doesn’t get a good night’s sleep. She wakes up umpteen times during the night wanting to nurse.
2.Mom doesn’t get a good sleep
3. Mom never has a time of day when she feels like a woman. (Feels like a woman? What does that feel like again?)
4. Dad feels exasperated and powerless. He doesn’t want to be a bad guy but it would be nice if he could have his wife back.
5. The little princess learns that she’s not safe unless her mother is right there.
6. The stress takes its toll on their marriage
7. This topic – and the couples differing views take a toll on their marriage. (Most often, though not in every case, Mom thinks she’s right and Dad is tired of arguing)
Is this you? If it is, be brave. You’re not alone in this error. Take a look at what’s going on in your marriage.
Society is scared of making kids cry, but it’s not scared of divorce. People will call the police if a pet is left unfed but will stand by and say nothing if a marriage is unfed.
I have so much more to say about parenting and the messages we give our kids from Day One. But for today, I’m rooting for you , young couples. It doesn’t have to be so hard! You don’t have to wonder how in the world people manage with big families.
Ask the questions and listen to each other, Wives, especially, hear your husbands. Are they frustrated that the girl they love has no time for them. No energy?
Marriage is sacred and needs a sacred space to grow! Feed it!
Great info/ heads up!! 🙂
Kol HaKavod! “Society is scared of making kids cry, but it’s not scared of divorce.” You put it so well, thank you for putting your finger on this particular challenge so many couples face!
Thanks!
Hi Rivki, i just red quite a few articles…do you also do videos? And, are you also on facebook?
Hi Aliza. I don’t really have any videos, but I do have a Facebook page for my blog – https://www.facebook.com/lifeinthemarriedlane
Rivki Silvers blog is awesome , well written and full of insights and encouragement!
Thank you for this post! My husband and I will probably have a child within the next few years and I worry sometimes that it means your life and love falls apart despite knowing children are a blessing!
You’ll make great parents!
I like your style and I’ve been quietly following your work here, but I have to respectfully comment. While I wholeheartedly share the sentiment that a healthy marriage is crucial to the happiness of the family, I take exception to a few of your points.
1. You assume that Dad is unhappy/unsatisfied/not in agreement with the sleeping arrangements.
This is not always the case. There are many, many fathers out there who are supportive of co-sleeping. Moreover, there are many good wives who would not live this way without the support and agreement of their husbands.
2. You assume that the couple does not have enough couple-time.
Why do you believe marital intimacy and co-sleeping are mutually exclusive? Couples who love each other and care about their marriage learn to nurture their relationship, regardless where their baby sleeps. And conversely, there are plenty of families where husband and wife have never allowed a baby in their bedroom and the marriage is heading south.
3. You say that “society is scared of making kids cry”.
I have yet to see society truly care when children cry. Yes, there are people who do not believe in the Cry It Out method that you suggest, but this is usually NOT because they are spineless parents, scared of their children’s tears. More often, it is because they have thought about how best to raise their children and chosen a different path.
I do not claim to have more experience than you, nor am I suggesting that this way works for everyone, but it is definitely worth noting that there are many valid reasons to co-sleep, and if a couple has decided together that this is the best way for their family, their marriage is not doomed.
Just sayin’.
HI Miriam, Thanks for your feedback! I understand where you’re coming from – and I think it’s a beautiful place. Though I dont know you – from your examples,you seem like someone who puts a lot of thought into childraising and the best way to nurture healthy children. In the scenarios that I was writing about, these are simply overwhelmed parents who are not coming into this from an educated standpoint, they just feel stuck. It reminds me of when I homeschooled. I loved it- and it was the best thing for our kids. But it was a very different posotion then some people who approached me with “my kid refuses find a school, how hard is it to homeschool.”
So with repect to all postitions, I would say that co-sleeping as a choice is a viable, healthy option. Finding yourslef stressed out over a situation you never planned for or wanted isn’t.
I really appreciate your candidness and your speaking out for what you believe in. Here’s to mothers everywhere!
love, Rivka Malka
You make a false dichotomy between divorce and letting a child cry. There are many, many other options.
The parents you are talking about need a lot more education about what it is like to raise children. I recently spoke to a grandmother whose daughter “was not expecting” her newborn to feed for an hour ever 2-2.5 hours. But this is a normal feeding pattern. And it is also normal for toddlers to wake at night and to be needier and more challenging than newborns. It is not because the parents have spoiled them.
There is more and more research coming out about damage to children’s brains caused by letting them cry without responding. Families who feel they have to choose between divorce and CIO need lots of support. This is not a good place to be and how did they get there? No one should feel they have to put their children’s well-being ahead of their marriage.
Thanks for your words Hannah. I wish it was as clear to most young moms as it is to you. In fact, you’re right, regardless of where the baby sleeps, young moms and dads need a lot of support and education. Remember though, that I didn’t write this from a soapbox. It’s a direct response to a scenario that has been brought to my attention dozens of times. It may not be everyone’s response but hopefuly my point came through that a strong marriage and communication is critical. Thanks for stopping by! all the best, Rivka Malka
Thank you Hannah.
Wikipedia “co-sleeping”, everybody. This is an age-old lifestyle that has many benefits for parents and child. Unfortunately, crying it out, as Hannah mentioned, is unhealthy and unnecessary.
Hi Sue, thanks for commenting!
Powerful point! I really love your insight and look forward to your next post 🙂
Thanks Shani!
I loved the focus of this article about nurturing and feeding our marriages. So important for all of us to hear this again and again! I shared this on Baltimore Mammeleh, there are a couple comments there too.
Thank you Chaya! Its one of my favorite topics
Just an interesting note – I came across this post somehow and really enjoyed it. I can easily say I was one of those mothers. Working full time at crazy hours and up all night with my baby with no time to remember that i’m married. I finally decided enough is enough and after trying every other trick in the book to get my baby to sleep I tried the cry-it-out method with the encouragement of several friends. I was crying the whole time and it was torturous BUT the first night my baby (15 months) cried for about 45 minutes with my husband sitting near her crib and finally fell asleep and SLEPT THE REST OF THE NIGHT. (she used to wake up 4 to 5 times and ended up staying in my bed) the second night she cried for 20 min and slept again and took 2 naps the next day! (she always took one shorter one in the morning. The third night she cried for about 10 minutes and fell right to sleep. the next night and since then she didn’t cry at all. I feel like I did her and me and my husband the biggest favor ever. she is happier, and we are happier. not sure if this would work for e/o but i just thought I would share.
HI Rayzel, Thanks for sharing your experience with us. When we had our second child we read abook about how it takes a baby 3 days to develope a habit. This is the advice we’ve always given. I didn’t want to write in the post b/c I didn’t want to get sidetracked from the main topic – nurture your miarrage. But I’m so glad you did. When the baby is younger its even more like a day and half. Anyway, kol hakavod to you for looking at what wasn’t working and being strong enough to do s/t about it. Thanks for stopping by! Looking forward to your feedback!