6 Am in the morning , I walked into my daughter’s room and she was gone. Gone. Really gone. Gone from her bed, gone from her room, gone from all her siblings rooms and gone from the whole house. I woke my husband up. “This is real,” I said “She’s not here”. Outside it was pitch black and inside the world started spinning.
I had gotten up early that morning to take my 10-year-old daughter out for a special reason. Friends of ours (Summer and Jerome from “The Kosher Warriors”) had recently had a baby and that morning was the bris. Minky had planned to get up at 5:30 and I had planned on taking her to Summer’s house at 6 so she could help out.
Now, she was nowhere to be found. We called Jerome – no answer. We called Summer – no answer.The whole thing made no sense. Where was she? She wouldn’t have gone outside in the dark? Ten minutes later we finally got through to Jerome. He said, “We got her, she’s been on our porch since 5:45”
Could you believe it? I couldnt believe it! It still boggles my mind that this little girl had that much oomph and fearlessness!
I was stumped. Here was a kid who put herself in a life threatening situation, walking in pre dawn hours, who most likely had an inkling that it wasn’t the best idea but did it anyway. On the other hand, here was a kid who felt on top of the world doing a chesed and was willing to wake up early to help out a friend.
So what to do?
What did I do?
My first reaction had been “Wow, that is so dangerous! We have to teach her a lesson!” And I started wracking my brains about what action to take that would scare her sufficiently that there wouldn’t be a repeat scenario. But when I saw her, when I really saw her, not a little perpetrator that I was ready to condemn for the fright she gave me, but a little girl with a big heart and a will of iron, I changed course. I said a few clear words to her about how dangerous it was, and how she should never do it again, while giving her a hug. I saw she got it.
So we attended the Bris and it was beautiful but all the time I was thinking. “Okay, that was the preliminary action, but what do I really need to do here?” There was a little part of me that felt that if this didn’t have a concrete consequence , she wouldn’t learn the lesson.
But as the hours passed, nothing felt right to me. It didn’t make sense to repay the good with bad. I just needed her to know just how dangerous what she did was. The main thing is that she learned to be safe. So I had a small strong talk about the dangers of being out alone and made sure she knew that it was never to be repeated. Ever. And that was that
That was two weeks ago and as time passes, I’m happier and happier that I didn’t punish her. My willingness to understand her softened her heart to my message of safety and it penetrated. No matter how just a consequence would be, all she would have felt is resentment. “But it’s not fair, I was trying to do something nice!” It would be as if I didn’t see her, see her goodness.
A while ago I had my then three year old in a playgroup. I didn’t love the playgroup and took him out in the middle of the year. One memory stands out in particular. When a child would misbehave, the teacher would put him in the “Tzadik Corner (the Righteous Man’s Corner”), a wall which was covered with portraits of tzadikim. There he would sit to learn how to behave. I’m ill just thinking about it. What was really going on was ; there he would sit to be shamed in the company of serious bearded faces. OH! the horrible associations a child can make! As if G-d Himself was dissaproving! And it was more than just the method, it was the attitude towards children.
Contrast this. A few years later I was looking into a Jewish Montessori school for my other 3 year old son. One of the questions I asked the principal was “What do you do when they don’t behave?” She said, “Boruch Hashem! (Thank G-d!) Each one of them is so good!” with a huge smile. I couldn’t help smiling with her, but I pressed on. “But what if a child really does something wrong?” She looked up at heaven and said “Boruch Hashem! They’re so special!”
Now, this woman runs a whole school singlehandedly, and its been around for years. Don’t think that there are no guidelines for the children. The whole school is structured on the balance of guidelines and free play. But listen to her attitude. She simply would not condemn children.
It’s something to think about.
Do we complain about our kids? Do we truly believe in them as people? Do we see them as the precious piece of purity that they are? Have we succumbed to “good girl, bad girl attitudes?”
Sure, children don’t always do the right thing – but let’s understand that that’s perfect. That’s how it should be – they’re children and they’re learning. Our job as adults is to teach them right from wrong through instruction and through modeling. There are times that call for consequences or punishment and I’d like to address those in a different post. Todays’ post is on attitude. How we percieve our children is a critical launching point for our subsequent responses.
My sister in law is the mother of eleven. Here’s how she looks at her kids.
“Mommy”
“Yes, Treasure, Delicious”
“Can I have a cup of water?”
“Suuuure, it would be my pleasure, my little sweet nesahama (soul)
or
“Mommy”
“Yes, my darling, precious ”
“Can you help me”
“Sure, my sweetness, my golden girl, I”ll be there as soon as I can”
She speaks this way to her kids of all ages. It’s an outpouring of love.
I’m telling you, when you’re around her, you just become a nicer mother. You hear her language and it resonates.
“Yes, my child is a treasure!”
What we say reflects how we feel. We can use that as a starting place for working on a truer, kinder view of children
Try these words out at home. Start a ripple effect. Let it begin with your tongue and travel to your heart. Make a wave of positivity and bathe your children in it. Wash away the condemning attitudes and revel in your children!
Wow, what a fright! I do love your positive approach to raising children. The other day my almost 5 yr old daughter asked me in reference to children “what does it mean that someone is being bad”? I had such a happy feeling as a Mom, that she had NO CLUE that a child would ever be considered bad. I explained to her how some people use that word, but that I have only good kinderlach who maybe sometimes forget to listen.
On that note, I often take advice that I believe is attributed to the Rambam, that sometimes we need to show displays of anger to our child even without feeling it inside. I agree it is wise to not react in the moment when we are shaken up after finding our missing child, on the other hand, sometime later I would definitely show “anger” to my child that what she did was “terrible, dangerous”, how scared Mommy and Tatty were, etc. “I know how much you wanted to help… but we NEVER NEVER go outside alone, etc.” It is possible you did all this and I am only preaching to the choir. But sometimes I think of worst case scenerio, if something G-d Forbid happened to child, and how horrific it would be for child. That the moment of pain and shame they’d feel during and after my reprimand would obviously be far preferable to other possible outcomes. Similarly when we potch a child for running in street. Rather they feel the potch than… This is the part of parenting that I despise, having to cause my child pain (not physical)! to protect them, but it is obviously very important.
So far, i’m really liking your site, the topics you bring up, and your warm, positive approach.
I LIKE that!!”they forget to listen” so gentle and compassionate – your kids are lucky! I’m honored to be sharing Jewish mothering with you.
Rivka Malka, I’m so grateful you’re doing this. What an incredible, deep message about parenting. Thank you – you are putting such beauty into the world.
Thank you – as I read your comment it reminded me a one a million and one coversations we’ve had! This is stuff you know from a very deep place.
I absolutely love your parenting approach, and I’ve always wanted to be that kind of mother to my children. I find it very hard to remember to react in a positive manner. I know that some people are naturally more positive and calm and some people have to work on it a little more. I would like to work on it. I believe that anger stems from being lost and not knowing how to react correctly.
Can you please share some thoughts and tips on what works for you and how you handle things when kids do “forget to listen”.
HI Julia, Thanks for reading and commenting. It’s so interesting that you should say this.You most likely don’t know just what a wonderful mother you are. You have such a soothing presence.I’m keeping in mind your question to address more in depth in the future. What I do think though, is that most of our reactions stem from our scripts rather then from our “bad middos ” or impatience. It may be good to think about “what are my expectations of children?” “What were my parents expectations of children?”
When my sister in law lived in Moscow, it was a very non kid friendly environment. She had tp make sure that her kids were quiet in every public place. There’s a lot of popluar culture that goes into our worldview. Its good to take a look at it sometimes and sift out what do we belive in and what attitudes have we just never challenged. I think, from knowing you a tiny bit, that you’ve probably challenged many attitudes and are giving motherhood your 100%!! lucky kids! Looking forward to more conversations! Rivka Malka
Thank you for your kind words. I can’t wait to read more of your posts.
While I admire your parenting style, your child(ren) have to know that leaving the house without permission at ANY time of day or night is not is proper and you have to reinforce safety issues. Perhaps a lock on the door high up where young children can’t reach (even if they stood on a step stool) might help.
Continue sending your words of wisdom. I enjoy them. One suggestion: My eyesight isn’t as keen as it used to be. It’s hard for me to read white letters on black background or color-on-color. Is it possible for you to switch to black on white or black on yellow (high contrast is easy for most people to see). Thank you.
Thanks for the advice Doris!
About the lettering. I experimented with a different color but it was even less legible. If you subscribe you’ll get the post in your email and it should be in regular print. Have a great Shabbos! It’s so nice to know you’re out there!
Ok i am officially a fan of your site here! I am so glad you have done this because i miss hearing all your famed words of wisdom….YOUR kids are lucky to have you as their mom! I feel so guilty, my kids say, and think I.m the best mummy in the whole world (as it should be, right?) But i feel guilty because for the last year and a half we have Skl been going through one life-change after another and i know I have not been a
(why does that keep happening?! Lol)
I have not been the mummy i want to be, not even close, in fact quite the opposite and I know it is temporary, and half the battle is realising it in order to change, i just feel so bad that nebech these kids still like their mummy even when she tells them off the whole time etc! Makes you love them all the more and feel so out of control..why can’t i pull it together and be like that? I know it is circumstantial but i have too much middos to work on that I’m glad you are guiding me! Love ya…have a good Shabbos
Judy,my friend, give yourself a break. I don’t know what’s been going on with you this past year, but obviously there are new stressors in your life that are sapping your emotional energy. That’s so normal. Reapeat – normal. There are no supermoms. Even the ones who write the articles don’t follow through on our highest ideals all the time. It’s true we have the amazing job of being mothers but we’re PEOPLE, with feelings. I know when you’re feeling more on top of your game internally, you’ll have energy to offer even more to your children. For now, be kind to yourself. love, Rivka Malka
I LOOOOVE THIS! How lovely to read such honestly, depth, and beauty! You “saw” your child! That is undeniably perfect.
As humans we sometimes just want to jump in and take action. We may feel a lesson MUST be learned! A wrong needs to be right.
It can be difficult to step back and realize punishment is NOT the answer.
As Parents, entrusted with a special job, there is so much we hope to communicate to our children. We want to instill feelings of strength, responcibilty, sensitivity, capability, and an inner drive to do whats right, whats eternal. In “seeing” your child you empowered her with all of the most valuble tools she will ever internalize!
My favorite parenting book speaks of how “in a loving relationship there is no room for punishment.” It avoids the whats wrong, distracts the child from fixing the problem and denies them the opprotunity to rise to the occasion.
Thank you so much for these beautiful thoughts! This is a wonderful website, and I enjoy your writing!
Thank you Sara! Your encouragment means a lot to me. I’ve actually never heard anyone echo my feelings about punishment. It’s such a difficult thing to convey b/c it only makes sense in the context of loving, firm ,compassionate parenting. I’ve been seeing your classes advertised. I’m so glad that you’re bringing a sensitive, joyful parenting approach to people!
Of course, it only makes sense in that context. That is exactly what we strive for. I just want to shout from the roof tops, parenting doesn’t have to be a relationship of strenth over weakness, right over wrong, or “Mommy always knows and child always needs to learn”.
Sensitive and joyful is exactly what I hope to share! I can’t think of any other way to instill all the values we want to give our children than to really “see” them!
I love this stuff!
beautiful!
This is such a great post!! I don’t have any children of my own, but I have three nieces and a nephew whom I absolutely adore! I spend every second possible with them when I visit, and make sure they feel valued and loved. I always make sure I give them encouragement and always tell them that I love them soooo much! How can we expect kids to do great things without first building up their confidence? I also 100% believe in positive parenting (i.e. not using corporal punishment, and always focus on rewarding good behaviour). Every opportunity is a learning experience. When spanking, kids don’t learn not to do something because it’s wrong, they learn not to do something because they’re scared of being hit or punished. I’d much rather kids learn *why* something is wrong, so that they’re actually using a thought process rather than a fear-based instinct. I also loved that you truly *saw* your daughter’s kind heart rather than acting based on your anxiety. It shows you have a very special bond with your children. My mom is my best friend but also someone whom I look up to tremendously. I hope to have that kind of relationship if ever I am blessed with kids. Thanks for sharing!
really well said Rebecca. You undersatnd things that many aren’t even giving a second thought to.