Are you ever lonely? As in, no matter how many people you’re with, how many parties you’re at, there’s a sense that you’re in this experience alone.
I look around sometimes. And not always, but often, I see dozens of others, attending the same class or the same Kiddush, sitting near each other, chatting and smiling but still essentially alone. Do you know what I mean?
“Hi,
“How’s it going?”
“Good. You?”
“Good.”
“Alright then.”
“Bye.”
I’m taking a risk here. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’s just me who gets lonely. But just in case you understand, I wanted to share with you some of my thoughts about loneliness and what I do with it. Here’s what I’ve been thinking.
Remember how G-d made the flood in the days of Noah? The people weren’t getting along and the world wasn’t sustainable under those conditions. After the flood, the world was rebuilt on the premise of kindness (Noah taking care of the animals).
A few generations passed and a new problem came up.
This time, the people got along so well. Too well! They worked together like a well-oiled machine in their efforts to build a tower to fight G-d. They used their combined talents to rebel against Him. They felt so understood, so unified that they didn’t need G-d anymore.
What was their consequence? G-d made them each speak a different language. They were no longer understood! They dropped bricks on each other, got mad at each other and eventually moved away from each other.
So here we are now, thousands of years later and we still speak different languages. So it seems that our separateness, our disparity is the undoing of the mistake of the Tower of Babel.
In our loneliness, if we’re not too scared to acknowledge it, lies the place that’s just between us and G-d, where no one speaks our language. And that’s okay. Because G-d is our Mother, our Father, Our Sister, Our Friend, or Lover and Our King. He’s all these things, and only by connecting with Him can we soothe our ache.
So what does it mean to connect with G-d? It means two things. Sometimes it means talking to Him, praying to Him, crying to Him and praising Him. Letting yourself be comforted by his love.
When I’m feeling really low; maybe someone brought up a sensitive topic or I just feel like I’m never gonna make it, I feel two choices staring me down. I can either shut down, lock myself in and tell myself over and over again how lousy I feel. The times when I do that I find I need distractions; a book or computer to help me numb the pain. The next day is usually not much better.
Or I can say “Hashem please help me, I feel so sad.” If I’m willing to be with the sadness/loneliness and express it to Hashem it loosens its grip.
Then I light some scented candles and get an early night. This is a nurturing ritual that calms me and reminds me that though I’m lonely, I’m lovable and tomorrow will be another day. And I generally waked up energized.
Believe it or not, it’s not easy. I’d rather numb out and sometimes I do. But when I don’t, I’m rewarded by the ultimate Comfort.
Another way we bond is by being an extension of Him. This is magic particularly if you have a lot of actual, physical alone-ness in your life. Doing kindness for another person connects you to Hashem because you’re following His ways, being a messenger for His mercy.
I know many people who live alone who astound me with their drive to do good. They know this formula and their lives are filled to bursting with acts of kindness. Instead of having pain lock them in, they use it as a launching pad for goodness. Even on a minute to minute level, sadness can be alleviated through reaching out. Making a phone call or even writing a letter can move you into a space where you are able to feel Hashem’s love again.
Of course, we don’t want to use doing for others as an escape. I’m sure you’ve had the experience where getting involved in a million things is simply avoiding your own issues. Please don’t do that. Your feelings are much too important to be stuffed away like that. It’s good to talk them out and to be tender with yourself.
R Shimshon Pincus wrote “the natural state of women is suffering.” He writes that this is to encourage us to cry out to Hashem, because you don’t cry out unless you’re in pain.So allow yourself that reality. Let go of the notion that you’re lonely, alone.
We may just all be alone. But it doesn’t have to be depressing. Because the alone-ness is there to nurture us. It reminds us that we can’t do it on our own. It reminds us that we do have a language barrier with people and that we’ll find comfort in overcoming it. It reminds us that we need G-d and we need each other.
I feel same way. i was not lonely before i became religious but after, it is worst i ever experienced. I have to go outside of frumkeit world just to survive socially. I can’t settle for hi, how are you, bye statement. I am pretty much given up on them.
HI Rivka, I don’t know you but your words touched me very deeply. After reading what you wrote I realized that there is so much more going on that needs fixing and I”H I ‘ll be writing a part 2. thanks for sharing honestly.love, Rivka Malka
Beautiful. Touching. Moving. Exactly what I needed to read, right now. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences.
Thank you Chana, may your day be blessed with Connection. Love, Rivka Malka
Right on Rifka Malka great Torah!
thank you! Its great to know you’re out there! and you’re one of those not scared of the topic
I thought what you wrote about Noach days, etc. was very insightful. I agree that we need to reach out to G-d but the Sages also have told us to “make for ourselves a friend” (in Ethics of our Fathers). Sometimes we just need one or two close friends who know us in the deepest ways, and that can alleviate our loneliness. I am actually mourning the loss of one such close friend, so lately I have been feeling lonely, and yes turning to H-shem for comfort definitely helps. We need relationships that go beyond talking about the kids, recipes, work, etc. etc. I also believe that if someone felt lonely as a child for whatever reason, that loneliness kicks in in adulthood even if as adults we are surrounded by loving, caring people. Of course one can do healing work for the lonely “inner child”. As adults we have to become our inner child’s best friend/parent/confidant, etc. John Bradshaw has some good books about that. Anyway this might be off topic of what you were referring to. Lovely post as usual.
Hi Chaya, I’m so sorry your friend is no longer here. you brought up a whole bunch of points that are really worth exploring. I think I’m going to write a part 2 to this piece. Why are there so few relationships that go deeper? I love the concept of the inner child. I was given a book on that subject by a special woman who loaned it to me together with my own brand new set of markers, crayons and paint. I can’t tell you how much that meant to me. Thanks for bringing that up.
Love, Rivka Malka
Thanks for ur return comment R.M. I just re-read your intelligent words about the generation that was split into 70 languages, and I want to humbly mention something that doesn’t sit right with me. The 70 languages are each for a different nation, so in actuality we Jews DO speak ONE language. I do agree that ultimately we are alone as we face G-d, but I don’t believe we are supposed to feel existentially lonely. I love the topic you brought up as I’ve explored it myself over many years. I do think the society we live in lends itself to loneliness too. We move far away from core families, childhood friends, and often live our everyday lives with people we’ve only met in recent years. As an “old friend” of mine gave me a magnet that reads “It takes a long time to grow an old friend”. Also as we all know modern technology has moved us all toward isolation. (classic example of washing clothes at river with all the other women, etc.) Perhaps in the Shtetels they weren’t as “lonely”. I often joke to my husband that I wouldn’t mind a few wives in our home, just so I have companionship while I tackle my housework!
I also want to ask you where Rav Pincus mentions about women and suffering? Is it in the book “Nefesh Chaya”? I’d like to read more about it.
Keep up your great writing here!
Hi Chaya, hmmm, you got me thinking…. I’m not sure. There’s truth to what yours saying. After all, we’re from ONE family. We have the same spiritual DNA. Maybe that’s why its disillusioning when we don’t access that. I think this post was more of a concept then a chidush (then I would’ve had to have it verified)The concept being, our emotional language.
My heart tells me that existential loneliness is a part of being human. Have you ever read the writings of the Aish Kodesh? His personal journal was found buried in a can in Warsaw and is published as “To Heal the Soul”. It’s unbelievable to glimpse the personal thoughts of a tzaddik.
(one of my top 10 favorites!) There’s no doubt that its filled with alone-ness. And joy. And purpose. and cleaving to Hashem. But definitely a sense of being Alone. I’ve observed this from other greats as well. You are very blessed if that isn’t part of your lexicon. Do you do anything special that you could share with us?
In answer to your question; I’ve been eating up Nefesh Chaya -loving every word, even when it challenges me. The part about women suffering is at the very beginning of the chapter on Tefillah (first page, I think)
have a great day! Rivka Malka
Rivka Malka, Thank You again for your thoughtful response. I very much want to read the writings you mention of the Aish Kodesh. Is it something I can access at a local Jewish Bookstore? Also thanks for telling me where you’ve come across Rav Pincus’s words.
Loneliness is a VERY big part of my life, which is why I had so much to say about the topic. 😉 For me a lot of the root causes seem to be some very difficult childhood experiences which seemed to be begging for attention. What I did about it is more personal, but I’d be happy to share in a private msg.
One quick idea that does come to mind though is something I’ve read about relationships that helps me. It’s easier to diagram than write, but I’ll do my best. Imagine a small circle with a circle around it and another around that, and another and so forth. The outermost circle represents our most superficial relationships/acquaintances, such as your friendly chatting with your mailman, or checkout person, etc. Inside of that are people you know a little better, and so on and so forth. Innermost circle would represent the deepest relationships. Some people are not that good at the innermost circle and don’t really let people get all that close. But now I’d like to add your idea and suggest that at the core is the dot that represents a person with himself, or better yet with G-d. And that is ALONENESS. but I don’t think it should be LONELINESS. Loneliness, implies lacking something whereas ALONENESS can be a comfortable solitude. I do want to say I think it was brave of you to broach this topic and I don’t want to come across as invalidating your feelings. Loneliness is very painful and it is something I struggle with as well. From years of observing various types of family dynamics, I have come to wonder how much of this loneliness is necessary and how much is just not knowing how to experience that inner circle of relationships. Some children grow up feeling safe sharing deepest parts of self and hence feel understood and embraced, and some have to hide large chunks of themselves from those who should be closest to them and hence may perpetually feel lonely. I’m looking forward to reading your second part of this writing.
Oh, and maybe you can devote a post to tell us your “top ten”! (that you alluded to above)
Chaya
Wow, beautiful article! I get lonely quite a bit being a stay at home mommy- in fact I was just telling my husband how lonely I was feeling today. Seeing this article today was really meaningful. Thank you! I’m really going to try not to numb myself in my loneliness (my usual escape these days) and see how it goes.
HI Rachel, Its hard to get used to life at home. ITs a longer conversation though. Call me up if you want ot chat. Love, RIvka Malka!
really really eye opening … WOW! thank you!