I was flipping through a book by John Grey a few years ago and I read an idea that has stuck with me since. He was talking about dating, and he brought an example from Abraham Linclon.
Some years after his first wife’s death, Lincoln married a woman named Mary Owens.After the wedding, when he carried Mary to the front door, she refused to enter. She said, ” I refuse to live in a house with a dirt floor!” So Lincoln got to work right away getting wooden planks so that she would have a place she was happy in.
John Grey’s comment is amazing. You know what he says? “The sad thing is, the very worst thing, is that Lincoln’s first wife could’ve had a nice floor, if only she’d have asked”
When couples are dating and fall in love, they shine with this special sparkle.
He buys her flowers, she bats her eyes and says thank you. He opens the door for her, she bats her eyes and says thank you. He buys her dinner, she bats her eyes and says thank you!
Of course, she does things for him too. But there’s a certain male/ female mechanism that’s in place during a courting, where the guy is fully in his role of provider and protector and the girl is the gracious receiver.
This brings out the best in a man! He feelsl fully actualized, taking care of a woman.
Fast forward a little while. Women, caretakers that we are, (and I mean that in a positive sense) tend to start giving more and asking for less. 
Devoted wives clean and cook and tell their husbands, “its okay, I can manage.” We want to be good wives and we’ll push ourselves to the limit to do a great job. And I ‘m not saying this is wrong, but there’s a certain fallout that we’ve gotta be aware of.
You see, the less you ask of a man, the less he gives. The less he gives, the less manly he feels, the less manly he feels, the less womanly you feel and soon you have a definite dimming of that special spark.
Part of what I described is a natural progression. And there’s so much give and take in a marriage. There’s flux in our roles and its not black and white.
But one thing’s for sure. We’ve got to realize that we’re not doing anyone a favor by being a martyr. When we work to the point of exhaustion, when we build up resentment because we think we have to do everything, we’re in a lose/lose situation.
We end up being tense and unpleasant to be around. 
Not only that but we may be missing out on who our loved ones can really be if we give them the opportunity. It’s like a little cloud of acid rain settles on us and we leave a bad aftertaste in our interactions.
Martyred women lose their sparkle. Women who feel taken care of have energy that fuels them so that they can give even more and better.
A long time ago, my friend told me something and I was sure she was right. She said it with great earnestness.” Rif, she said, early in a marriage you set a pattern in your relationship. And that pattern never changes.”
But now I know better. Much better. I’ve seen my relationship and hundreds of others go through metamorphoses and transitions and complete overhauls. It’s never too late!
Practically speaking…
Think of a time when you really need help; when you typically find yourself battling resentment. Then the do this 4 step process
Each step is essential!
1. take responsibility for not asking for help before, when you needed it
2. let your husband know far in advance when you’ll be needing his help – sweetly
3 ask for help – sweetly
4 thank him – VERY sweetly
The above formula is not just for husbands.
It’s for childen , friends and parents too.
Maybe you’re single feeling so alone. Follow the 4 steps and ask for company. Don’t forget step 2 and ask in advance. That’s the best way to ensure that your friends can be there for you.
Maybe you’re preparing for Pesach and the kids are acting like they don’t know a holiday is coming. Follow the 4 steps and ask for help.
When we take responsibility for our happiness we start to realize just how much is available. The world can flow right past you unless you consciously draw it to you.
More Practical Tips…
Dress nicely. You’re a completely different person when you feel good and look good. Your dignity will remind you that you’re a Queen fulfilling a mission and you’re deserving of help and support.
Express Gratitude in generous doses. Really be grateful for everything done for you and let your loved one know that in many different ways.
And this is the most important. Don’t have expectations. You may ask and get a no. You may ask and not get the help you wanted.
You may have to ask (with the 4 step plan) many times before you see results. Change takes time, lots of time, and it happens slowly like your sink filling up from a leaky faucet. That’s normal.
Have faith in your loved one that they can be there for you. You only have to ask.
Remember too, that the change we’re looking for is not in others, it’s within ourselves. So that we shine as radiant, confident, cared for, women.
I love your articles best when they’re from the heart, though this one seems a little more cerebral. This was really thought-provoking and chock full of brilliant insight. I agree with most of this article – and in fact, the ideas expressed about men needing to give to women can be found in our most mystical source of Torah, the Kabalah. But I would add that not everyone has that sweet style – or even that organized style, to ask far enough in advance for help. I’m questioning why is it the woman’s role to think of everyone for everyone? Why must she be the manipulator of everyone surrounding her? This is a very old fashioned perspective. It’s also possible that a man could grow up, take responsibility for his immediate environment, including his family and his home, and simply step up… This method might not be the dynamic for all personalities or relationships. Why must the woman apologize for not asking for help sooner? No one else in the family had a calendar or noticed that Spring was upon them? On the other hand, who can blame the children for wanting to ignore that Pesach is approaching? They’ve never had to prepare for mikveh. Most adults would rather block out Pesach cleaning and stay in denial for as long as possible. Let the children have their innocence. I don’t think the woman should feel like a martyr if she’s not getting the help she needs to prepare for Pesach, or for any other life event. But rather than thinking it’s her fault for not asking for the help correctly or sufficiently, which is a form of self-loathing, she could try having less expectations around the situation. If she doesn’t get to cleaning everything – tape up the closet or cupboard. If it happens to have things her family needs – more than likely, the following year, they’ll clean out that closet for themselves. If her family wants more elaborate meals, they’ll learn how to prepare them. Sometimes, really being okay with who you are and where you’re at, works, too. Don’t be a martyr – and don’t accept responsibility for everyone else around you, either. If your husband needs more, he can go to therapy and learn how to ask sweetly for his needs to be met:) I’m joking – sort of. But whether you’re married or alone, help may come from surprising corners. It may not always come from where you expect but it will come. That’s why Hashem is always the 3rd Partner in any marriage, and the 1st Partner for anyone alone. I love your thought about drawing the world’s happiness towards you. Maybe that’s what Pesach is here to remind us of – not to get caught up in the difficulties and challenges facing us but to stay attuned to that free, wide open space inside us, and to the current of happiness surrounding us, accessible at any moment we choose to feel it.
HI Davida – I love your comments ! as always. This article may seem more cerebral but it actually came from many real life experiences and observations. I couldnt get too personal b/c of privacy and respect etc… but it’s not just practical advice, it’s a life lesson.
I hear what youre saying about a husband getting it together etc… and the truth is, deep down, I believe ina an old fashioned marriage. I do. I really do. there may be modern twists that are nessecity but ultimatley I feel like the bets marraiges are one that are variations on the theme of very traditional roles.
even if we wanted men to be different, they’re not. And I believe that men all over the world have universal tendencies, as do women. Our cultures may highlight our differences. But at the end of the day, the man is the structure of the home and the woman is the heart. Thats why she need sto enroll help. Because she realizes best, more then her husband, more then her children what the family needs. She has this amazing combination of smarts and intuition that knows all that.
I find maniuplaiton a funny word, b/c everyting manipulates us. The traffic, our schedules, our health etc… we’re never free form outside factors pressing on us. So I think thta when we ask for help its not manipulating it’s making yourself a factor in that persons life that demands attention, just like everything else does.
I definitely agree that we need to veer far away from self loathing. and all the pressure we put ourselves under. But I guess I see it from a different angle. to me, asking for support is self honoring.
In terms of simply doing less, the way I see it – noone gets it alll done:) If we get most of it done, we’ve already won. thanks so much for your observations! I love your Pesach thought! and I love having a dialogue with such a brilliant woman!
Thank you! I am also a traditionalist at heart, I suppose. In general, I think mothers make more devoted parents than men a lot of the time, for example. But men can use their innate skills to manage households and raise children in different ways. It’s interesting we’re having this discussion – Time Magazine is running a cover story this week on the changing roles of men and women – http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,2109140,00.html – stating that many women are earning more than their spouses and their men have become stay at home dads. If I had my druthers, I would be just the mom, but right now, Hashem wants me to be both, so there must be something He’s interested in bringing out in me. All I know is that I wouldn’t make it without great, amazing friends like you. I’m so happy you’ve started your site – what a great way to channel your talent so others can enjoy and learn from you. It’s fantastic to behold!
I am a traditionalist, i however believe every women has the right to make up her own mind on the matter. I told a teacher, when asked what i wanted to be when i grew up, i replied a stay at home mother. She had to include her opinion that was very negative instead of just moving on in the conversation. I really believe that the traditionalists and working mothers often struggle to get along and it’s very unfortunate. I liked this article alot and i think the 4 tips were very helpful. Sadly the one thing i would love to ask my husband to do he cannot- cook. A grill he can handle but not the kitchen, we tease on this. 🙂 Thank you for putting so much time into this website, i absolutely love it.